i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
