Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
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