I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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