That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize