in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
