Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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