when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
