i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
