he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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