People in love make me want to vomit
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
