My room smells like vodka and shame
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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