I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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