yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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