My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
