one two three fourrrrnication!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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