I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize