Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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