i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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