I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
