That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
