I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
