In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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