I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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