this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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