I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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