a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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