I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize