I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
