So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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