tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
