FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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