just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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