Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize