Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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