Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
