party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
