This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
