You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
