Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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