Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
