I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
