I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
