i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
