I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
