I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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