Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
