smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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