you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I woke up under a house in Key West
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