So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
soo... how was my night?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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