i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
