my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
