Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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