My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
