I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
