dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
