I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
