i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
How's work?
Spinning.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
