Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize