I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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