ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
