I skipped work to stalk him.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
