he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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